“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”

Anne Lamott, quoted in Brene Brown’s podcast

Apparently I’m going to be using this platform as my own form of therapy for the foreseeable future. Today’s therapy session will focus on my issue with feelings of resentment. The above quote was referenced in Brene Brown’s new podcast, the first episode, when Brene is talking about effing first times (FFTs) and how hard first times can be for most people – the stories we tell ourselves and spirals we get ourselves into that hold us back. When she shared this quote, I literally stopped the walk that I was on and had so many flashbacks to moments where I’d felt full of resentment. When I thought about those moments I could also remember how I’d expected those moments to go and how what actually happened didn’t match expectations. *mind blown*

This is really hard for me because one of my top strategies for getting through something I’m anxious about is to visualize how I want it to go. This was a strategy I learned from swimming and I’ve transferred that skill to all other aspects of my life. What am I currently most anxious about? Being home with my kids for five months. What am I currently trying to visualize my way through? Being home with my kids for 5 months. How often has what’s actually happened matched what I visualized? About .01% of the time. How resentful am I feeling right now? I’ll let you draw that conclusion.

I’ve decided there are a few things I want to learn how to do over this early start to summer 2020 (although I’ll still be working – structure of which is very TBD and also producing much anxiety):

  1. Play the ukulele
  2. Manage my expectations, specifically looking at my visualization strategy, so I don’t feel so resentful and anxious

I have some strategies for number 2 and they are helping. Rainy days make those strategies a bit less effective, though.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

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